inhale exhale

Last night I had to talk myself out of buying cigarettes. For anyone who knows me, that's actually a big deal. The last time I really smoked was 2 September 2008 and the last time I bought a pack of cigarettes, Mike's Mart was still around and Sparks were new. It's not even that I was really craving a cigarette itself, I just wanted the action of smoking and the peace it brings.

I'm not quite sure why but the past couple of Wednesdays I've been down. Not sure because it's the last night of class so I'm just loose ends or what. I have realized over the years that when the seasons change, I kind of get into this funk. There's really no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens. I guess it's to remind me that I can't be happy all of time. It probably doesn't help that I signed up for my second quarter classes earlier this week. I'm already having anxiety over them because they're all online and the second quarter means that I'm closer to being finished with this program and with Philadelphia. Though I've already decided that while I'm not a huge fan of Philadelphia, I do really enjoy living in the city and it could be worth a repeat.

move into the city

So I've been a resident of Philadelphia, PA for a month. And I think I like it. I say "I think" because I find myself constantly comparing it to what I know, Northern Virgina. It's definitely nice to be able to walk every where. I drive maybe once a week to make sure my skills are still smooth. However, what really bothers me is the fact that 1. no one holds a door for anyone following and 2. no one smiles when passing someone- they all look down. I really didn't think the Northern Virginia/DC area was that friendly but it sure is compared to Philadelphia.

Whenever I tell someone that I just moved to Philadelphia, I know maybe a handful of people, and I don't have any family that close by, they say how brave they think I am. I honestly don't see it. To me, it's more of an opportunity presented itself and I took it. There was also nothing left for me in Northern Virginia. Maybe one day I'll change my mind and move back but at this moment, no. Would I have moved to Philadelphia just because? Probably not because it's not somewhere where I can imagine myself living for more than a few years.

My room is still in shambles and somehow the blank walls don't scare me like they did in college. Maybe it's because I'm okay with the lack of permanence of anything in my life at the moment. Or it could definitely be the fact that I'm not sure where I want anything to go. Also I'm in a new city and kind of feel like a blank canvas since very few know me. There's something comforting about a re-invention. But once again I have a sweet closet with shelves. As my place does not contain any closets, shelving is clearly important for someone who has a lot of crap (aka me). Looking back it's funny how my biggest issue with my room was where I was going to put my shoe collection. The shoes have now become organized which leaves me staring a blank walls, trying to figure out where I want to put my new posters (I destroyed everything I had on my walls after college because it wasn't feasible to hold on to it then).

Light Bulb!

So I've been writing for about a year now and there really hasn't been any cohesion with my posts. However, due to the fact that I am moving and am completely expecting upheaval in my normally staid life, I plan to write about it; therefore giving my blog a subject and hopefully some better writing. (This post should not be an example of said writing ability).

So to summarize my great idea, I will be writing about life as a Philadelphia transplant. As of right now, my news is short and sweet: currently unemployed with a legitimate move-in date.

Why the need to kill others?

Some Fatal Shootings at US Workplaces

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Filed at 5:02 p.m. ET

Some fatal shootings at U.S. workplaces:

-- Aug. 3, 2010: Warehouse driver Omar Thornton shot and killed eight people before apparently committing suicide at a Manchester, Conn., beer distributorship.

-- June 25, 2008: Wesley N. Higdon, 25, killed five workers, then himself, at Atlantis Plastics in Henderson, Ky. A sixth shooting victim survived.

-- March 18, 2008: Lee Isaac Bedwell Leeds, 31, shot and killed four men at a junk yard in Santa Maria, Calif.

-- March 12, 2008: Robert Lanham killed two people in the Regions Bank of McComb, Miss., where his ex-wife worked, then forced the woman to flee with him before killing her and committing suicide.

-- Jan. 30, 2006: Former postal worker Jennifer San Marco, 44, shot and killed six postal employees, then himself, in Goleta, Calif.

-- July 2, 2004: Elijah Brown, 21, killed four co-workers and wounded three others at ConAgra Foods meatpacking plant in Kansas City, Kan., before committing suicide.

-- August 27, 2003: Recently fired Salvador Tapia, 36, killed six former co-workers at an auto parts warehouse in Chicago, then was shot dead by police.

-- July 8, 2003: Doug Williams, 48, shot and killed six workers and wounded eight others before killing himself at a Lockheed Martin aircraft parts plant in Meridian, Miss.

--Feb. 25, 2003: Emanuel Burl Patterson, 23, shot and killed four fellow jobseekers and wounded a fifth at a temporary employment service in Huntsville, Ala.

-- Feb. 5, 2001: Factory worker William D. Baker, 66, killed four co-workers, then himself, at the Navistar International factory in suburban Chicago, Ill.

-- Dec. 26, 2000: Software tester Michael McDermott, 43, shot and killed seven people at a Wakefield, Mass., Internet consulting company, Edgewater Technology Inc. He was convicted, sentenced to life without parole.

-- March 20, 2000: Fired employee Robert Harris, 28, fatally shot five people and wounded another at a Dallas-area car wash. He was convicted, sentenced to death.

-- Dec. 30, 1999: Housekeeper Silvio Izquierdo-Leyva, 36, fatally shot five co-workers at Tampa, Fla.'s Radisson Bay Harbor hotel. He pleaded guilty, was sentenced to life in prison.

-- Nov. 2, 1999: Copier repairman Byran Uyesugi, 40, fatally shot seven people at Xerox Corp. in Honolulu. He was convicted, sentenced to life in prison.

-- Aug. 5, 1999: Truck driver Alan E. Miller, 35, fatally shot two co-workers at Pelham, Ala., office, then killed a former co-worker. He was convicted, sentenced to death.

-- July 29, 1999: Former day trader Mark Barton, 44, killed nine people at two Atlanta brokerage offices before he committed suicide.

-- March 6, 1998: Former Connecticut Lottery Corp. accountant Matthew Beck, 35, fatally shot four lottery executives, then himself.

-- Dec. 18, 1997: Fired employee Arturo R. Torres, 43, killed four former co-workers at maintenance yard in Orange, Calif., and was shot to death by police.

-- Sept. 15, 1997: Fired assembly line worker Arthur H. Wise, 43, shot and killed four at Aiken, S.C., parts plant. He was convicted, sentenced to death.

-- April 24, 1996: Firefighter Kenneth Tornes killed four superiors at Jackson, Miss. firehouse. He died on death row.

-- April 3, 1995: Former employee James Simpson, 28, shot and killed five people at refinery inspection station in Corpus Christi, Texas, then killed himself.

-- July 19, 1995: City electrician Willie Woods shot and killed four supervisors at C. Erwin Piper Technical Center in Los Angeles. He was sentenced to life in prison.

-- July 1, 1993: Gian Luigi Ferri, 55, a mentally disturbed man with a grudge against lawyers, killed eight people and himself in a San Francisco law office.

-- June 18, 1990: James E. Pough, 42, killed 10 people and wounded four others before killing himself at a General Motors Acceptance Corp. office in Jacksonville, Fla.

-- Sept. 14, 1989: Joseph T. Wesbecker, 47, on disability for mental illness, killed eight people and wounded 12 others at a printing plant in Louisville, Ky., before killing himself.

-- Feb. 16, 1988: Richard W. Farley, 40, killed seven people with a shotgun at ESL Corp. in Sunnyvale, Calif., before surrendering. He was sentenced to death.

-- Aug. 20, 1986: Pat Sherrill, 44, a postal worker who authorities say was about to be fired, killed 14 people at a post office in Edmond, Okla., then fatally wounded himself.

------

-- Compiled by AP News Researcher Julie Reed Bell

(This version CORRECTS that June 25, 2008, shooting was in Henderson, Ky., not Dixon, Ky.)

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/08/03/us/AP-US-Workplace-Shootings-List.html

I can see the need to kill yourself; everyone has a breaking point but I cannot understand the need to bring others down with you.

trip down memory lane, briefly

So I was recently reminiscing about boys, specifically boys during college. It might have had something to do with the fact that I was in town where I had gone to college. I'll admit that there was a decent amount of boys then. Some I still speak to and some I don't. But nonetheless, still part of my life.

In particular, one thing haunts me to this day. M., during one of our ridiculous drunken arguments, said quite reasonably, "you know, you're the only girl I've ever been able to talk to." It might have been one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

I know that I tend to choose to remember only the nicer things in life and bury the ugly. But when an off-the-wall compliment like that comes to mind, I can't help but drudge up the rest and wonder what happened to him. If he's found another girl to talk to or watches Adult Swim by himself.

I go to bed too early these days to watch.

Work It

So I've recently switched up my work-out routine. Instead of running several miles, I've dropped running and taken up Jillian Micheal's 30 Day Shred workout. So far, I believe it's working.

Or at least it was working when I did it. I've taken the past couple of days off. I know it's only a 20 minute workout but sometimes I just can't find the motivation. But I could tell this morning when I woke up and looked into the mirror. There was less definition and more rounded-ness which can be okay when it's not bikini season. Granted it probably didn't help that I pigged out at a late dinner for reasons that I'm still not sure of.

I have a hard time pushing myself without a goal. For example, I'm not planning on running any races anytime soon so I've pretty much stopped running-the heat doesn't help either.

Anyways, I'm hoping with the holiday off and not having to go to work will give me the extra time to workout and to do some things that I've been talking about for weeks and have yet to touch-ie cleaning my car.

He's Just Not that Into YOU

I recently watched He's Just Not That Into You for the first time. Now, I knew what I was getting into but I did not expect that particular ending. While not every storyline had a happy ending, it still gave into that ridiculous Hollywood type ending. The story line that I'm referring to is the Gigi and Alex one where she pursues every guy who is indifferent to her. Yet in the end, she dates Alex, the guy who gives her advice on how to act with the indifferent men who finally has a light bulb go off in his head so they end up happily dating despite the fact that she's a whack job. Even the story line with Janine and Ben - the married couple that doesn't end well - he is type-casted as a cheater and she as an uptight, Type A perfectionist. Is there no such thing as normal?

I feel that they took very specific types of people and tried to show how ridiculous relationships have become. While technology can be partly blamed for this, relationships have always had an awkwardness to them.

While I believe that there is a lot of truth to the statement, "he's just not that into you," I believe that the movie does not justify that statement. Not necessarily because there were some happy endings, but rather because it does not look at the big picture fully enough. Every woman featured, if she wasn't in some type of a relationship, was pining to be in one. Why is it not okay for women to be single? Or is it just once a woman reaches a certain age, she becomes relationship-hungry?

While, I could be digging too deeply into this, the movie was not as strong as I thought it could have been. However, there is nothing wrong with the statement, "he's just not that into you", because seriously, would you want every guy all about you? I sure as hell wouldn't- probably because that's too much work for me. And I'm not into every guy I meet.