inhale exhale

Last night I had to talk myself out of buying cigarettes. For anyone who knows me, that's actually a big deal. The last time I really smoked was 2 September 2008 and the last time I bought a pack of cigarettes, Mike's Mart was still around and Sparks were new. It's not even that I was really craving a cigarette itself, I just wanted the action of smoking and the peace it brings.

I'm not quite sure why but the past couple of Wednesdays I've been down. Not sure because it's the last night of class so I'm just loose ends or what. I have realized over the years that when the seasons change, I kind of get into this funk. There's really no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens. I guess it's to remind me that I can't be happy all of time. It probably doesn't help that I signed up for my second quarter classes earlier this week. I'm already having anxiety over them because they're all online and the second quarter means that I'm closer to being finished with this program and with Philadelphia. Though I've already decided that while I'm not a huge fan of Philadelphia, I do really enjoy living in the city and it could be worth a repeat.

move into the city

So I've been a resident of Philadelphia, PA for a month. And I think I like it. I say "I think" because I find myself constantly comparing it to what I know, Northern Virgina. It's definitely nice to be able to walk every where. I drive maybe once a week to make sure my skills are still smooth. However, what really bothers me is the fact that 1. no one holds a door for anyone following and 2. no one smiles when passing someone- they all look down. I really didn't think the Northern Virginia/DC area was that friendly but it sure is compared to Philadelphia.

Whenever I tell someone that I just moved to Philadelphia, I know maybe a handful of people, and I don't have any family that close by, they say how brave they think I am. I honestly don't see it. To me, it's more of an opportunity presented itself and I took it. There was also nothing left for me in Northern Virginia. Maybe one day I'll change my mind and move back but at this moment, no. Would I have moved to Philadelphia just because? Probably not because it's not somewhere where I can imagine myself living for more than a few years.

My room is still in shambles and somehow the blank walls don't scare me like they did in college. Maybe it's because I'm okay with the lack of permanence of anything in my life at the moment. Or it could definitely be the fact that I'm not sure where I want anything to go. Also I'm in a new city and kind of feel like a blank canvas since very few know me. There's something comforting about a re-invention. But once again I have a sweet closet with shelves. As my place does not contain any closets, shelving is clearly important for someone who has a lot of crap (aka me). Looking back it's funny how my biggest issue with my room was where I was going to put my shoe collection. The shoes have now become organized which leaves me staring a blank walls, trying to figure out where I want to put my new posters (I destroyed everything I had on my walls after college because it wasn't feasible to hold on to it then).